It was an amazing day, especially compared to the horrible feelings of last night. I remember lying there lifeless, and the only thoughts I could think was that I couldn't do it anymore and I didn't want to be alive. I have had many nights like this in the past year.
It was pouring the rain this morning which seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I was on my way to drop my dog off at the groomers. The car window fogged up and I was aggravated because I could not see and didn't understand why it wouldn't clear up. Then it hit me - turn on the defroster, and of course immediately the window cleared up. That is when I had a strange thought occur - Life is the same way! How can I expect different results when I don't make the changes to make things different. I keep hoping every day that my life will change but what have I really done to make it different.
But how do you make the changes when you have no idea what to do to make it different? After that thought, I had another strange thought come to me. I noticed that I was cold so I changed the temperature in the car. How easy it is to make the adjustments you need in your car! If you want a different temperature, you change it. If you want a different radio station, you change it. If you want the seat to be different, you change it. There are all kinds of adjustments you can make to have your car fit you the way you want! So why is life so different? It isn't! You just have to figure out what you want and then make the changes!
These realizations seem so simple now! But I have basically been living my life feeling sorry for myself and instead of my life getting better over the years, it has gotten worse. Even though I have a MBA in Accounting, I have almost $100,000 in debt (including credit cards and student loans) and no steady income. While the debt has piled on, so has the weight. I am an emotional eater and love any junk food I can get whenever I am sad, mad, nervous, bored, etc.
After these realizations in the car, I had such an amazing feeling of peace come over me. I am still here so I have obviously not fulfilled my purpose. Even though I feel like I have wasted a lot of time feeling sad and not understanding why things are not getting better, I realize now that it is in my control to be able to make these changes for myself.
I do not expect anyone to read this blog, but I just needed a place to type out my feelings and thoughts. From today forward, I am going to do whatever it takes to make the changes in my life so I can be happy. I never want to feel like I did last night ever again.
xo Sparkles
(This was the name I was given by friends years ago because I was always able to help motivate and inspire them. I am not sure what happened to that positivity over the last few years but I am ready to get it back!)
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