It has been a few days since I made a post. I have been busy trying to move things from my house to my parents. Today it hit me why I had wanted to move out of here as soon as I turned 18. I just feel like I am in the way. Of course not by my mom - I love her so much and I don't know what I would do without her. But I realize now that I took my childhood problems that I had buried down deep inside into my marriage. My deepest fear was being a disappointment and not being about to make my husband happy. And of course I manifested that into my marriage.
Even though I made this realization, and I miss my husband very much, is there any hope that we could make our marriage work? There have been so many horrible things that have been said and done, how do you fix that?
I had made a plan to take the month of March and work on myself. I thought it would be good for me to have a quiet place where I could focus on my goals. That has been hard today but hopefully I can figure out a way to be able to overlook things and not let the hateful comments and looks bother me.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
xo Sparkles
Friday, March 4, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Perfect You
It took a lot of strength and courage today but I did it. I moved out and I am now staying at my parents. It was very sad to pack my things and take them away from the place I call "home" where I wanted to start a family with the man I loved. But I trust that God is bringing me to a place where I will learn to have peace and happiness, and it can't be found in a house filled with so much negativity.
I am trying not to focus on the sadness. If nothing else, I have a quiet room where I can focus on figuring out my goals and how to achieve them. That is what I will be working on tonight and post my goals later.
I will now move on to Chapter 3 from "A Return of Love" by Marianne Williamson. This chapter was amazing and very eye-opening!
"Nothing you do or think or wish or make is necessary to establish your worth."
You are a child of God. You were created in a blinding flash of creativity, a primal thought when God extended Himself in love. Everything you've added on since is useless.
The perfect you isn't something you need to create, because God already created it. The perfect you is the love within you. Your job is to allow the Holy Spirit to remove the fearful thinking that surrounds your perfect self.
This really hit me hard! When I think about, I am basically afraid of everything!! Small things such as spiders, snakes, bugs, heights, falling, darkness, etc. But also bigger things that can affect me from achieving my goals - disappointing people, making a mistake, failing - just to name a few. No wonder I feel like I have not achieved a lot lately - I am letting my failures from the past scare me from even trying anything new now!
Here is another paragraph from Chapter 3 that really hit me:
In every situation, the love you've given is real, and the love you have received is real. Nothing else exists. Anything other than love is an illusion. In order to escape that illusion and find inner peace, remember that only love in a situation is real. Everything else is a mistake and does not exist. It must be forgotten. We must consciously be willing to let it go.
So if a situation does not turn out the way you want, or is not filled with love, then we must forget it and let it go. I know that this is very hard for most people. Almost everyone I know likes to hold on to the negative situations that happen and continue to complain about them and not let them go (including myself). This is definitely something that I need to work on.
Another amazing paragraph from Chapter 3:
The only thing lacking in any situation is our own awareness of love. In asking the Holy Spirit to help us, we are expressing our willingness to perceive a situation differently. We give up our own interpretations and opinions, and ask that they be replaced by His. When in pain, we pray, "Dear God, I am willing to see this differently." Surrendering a situation to God means surrendering to Him our thoughts about it. What we give to God, He gives back to us renewed through the vision of the Holy Spirit.
This chapter has been absolutely incredible. Even though I am just on Chapter 3, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone! It really is life changing!
Even though I prayed for a change in my marriage and I expected a positive change that would bring us closer together and not me leaving - I am going to do what the book suggests and pray to God to let me see this situation differently, to have a new perspective. I have faith that he knows what he is doing to help me bring peace and happiness into my life, because I have been relying on myself for a long time now and have not been happy.
If you have situation that you do not understand and need help with, remember that you are not alone and you can always go to God to get a "new" perspective on the situation.
Wishing you peace and happiness,
xo Sparkles
I am trying not to focus on the sadness. If nothing else, I have a quiet room where I can focus on figuring out my goals and how to achieve them. That is what I will be working on tonight and post my goals later.
I will now move on to Chapter 3 from "A Return of Love" by Marianne Williamson. This chapter was amazing and very eye-opening!
"Nothing you do or think or wish or make is necessary to establish your worth."
You are a child of God. You were created in a blinding flash of creativity, a primal thought when God extended Himself in love. Everything you've added on since is useless.
The perfect you isn't something you need to create, because God already created it. The perfect you is the love within you. Your job is to allow the Holy Spirit to remove the fearful thinking that surrounds your perfect self.
This really hit me hard! When I think about, I am basically afraid of everything!! Small things such as spiders, snakes, bugs, heights, falling, darkness, etc. But also bigger things that can affect me from achieving my goals - disappointing people, making a mistake, failing - just to name a few. No wonder I feel like I have not achieved a lot lately - I am letting my failures from the past scare me from even trying anything new now!
Here is another paragraph from Chapter 3 that really hit me:
In every situation, the love you've given is real, and the love you have received is real. Nothing else exists. Anything other than love is an illusion. In order to escape that illusion and find inner peace, remember that only love in a situation is real. Everything else is a mistake and does not exist. It must be forgotten. We must consciously be willing to let it go.
So if a situation does not turn out the way you want, or is not filled with love, then we must forget it and let it go. I know that this is very hard for most people. Almost everyone I know likes to hold on to the negative situations that happen and continue to complain about them and not let them go (including myself). This is definitely something that I need to work on.
Another amazing paragraph from Chapter 3:
The only thing lacking in any situation is our own awareness of love. In asking the Holy Spirit to help us, we are expressing our willingness to perceive a situation differently. We give up our own interpretations and opinions, and ask that they be replaced by His. When in pain, we pray, "Dear God, I am willing to see this differently." Surrendering a situation to God means surrendering to Him our thoughts about it. What we give to God, He gives back to us renewed through the vision of the Holy Spirit.
This chapter has been absolutely incredible. Even though I am just on Chapter 3, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone! It really is life changing!
Even though I prayed for a change in my marriage and I expected a positive change that would bring us closer together and not me leaving - I am going to do what the book suggests and pray to God to let me see this situation differently, to have a new perspective. I have faith that he knows what he is doing to help me bring peace and happiness into my life, because I have been relying on myself for a long time now and have not been happy.
If you have situation that you do not understand and need help with, remember that you are not alone and you can always go to God to get a "new" perspective on the situation.
Wishing you peace and happiness,
xo Sparkles
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Only Love is Real
Chapter 2 from the book "Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson states:
1) Love is real. It's an eternal creation and nothing can destroy it.
2) Anything that isn't love is an illusion.
3) Remember this, and you'll be at peace.
I realize that my marriage has been anything but filled with love.
It also hit me hard at church when the preacher said that a marriage created before God should help both people grow on their spiritual journey. You are suppose to help each grow closer to God. I realize now that mine has been the opposite. Instead over the past year, I have found it hard to even go to church, let alone anything else that could help me grow spiritually. This is mainly because of the sleepless nights and migraine headaches that would result.
A marriage should be nurturing, loving, supportive, and encouraging. Maybe I am not meant to be with anyone but I know that I can't stay in an abusive marriage where I am treated with no respect, torn completely apart almost every day, and left feeling so worthless.
"A man who can't handle me at my worst doesn't deserve me at me best." - Marilyn Monroe
xo Sparkles
1) Love is real. It's an eternal creation and nothing can destroy it.
2) Anything that isn't love is an illusion.
3) Remember this, and you'll be at peace.
I realize that my marriage has been anything but filled with love.
It also hit me hard at church when the preacher said that a marriage created before God should help both people grow on their spiritual journey. You are suppose to help each grow closer to God. I realize now that mine has been the opposite. Instead over the past year, I have found it hard to even go to church, let alone anything else that could help me grow spiritually. This is mainly because of the sleepless nights and migraine headaches that would result.
A marriage should be nurturing, loving, supportive, and encouraging. Maybe I am not meant to be with anyone but I know that I can't stay in an abusive marriage where I am treated with no respect, torn completely apart almost every day, and left feeling so worthless.
"A man who can't handle me at my worst doesn't deserve me at me best." - Marilyn Monroe
xo Sparkles
Bad Night
So it was another very bad night. Each time I think I couldn't feel any worse, but I always surprise myself. I think because I put myself out there and trust him once again and then he just shatters my heart. Despite how devastated and heartbroken I was last night, I am feeling better today.
I realized that I surrendered my life completely over to God and asked him for help. I told him to help me make the changes I need so I could have peace and happiness. The marriage should have been over a long time ago but I kept holding on, hoping for change. I realize that things are not going to change and this is God's sign telling me that it is time to move on so I can be happy.
I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me and I have faith that God is leading me in the right direction.
xo Sparkles
I realized that I surrendered my life completely over to God and asked him for help. I told him to help me make the changes I need so I could have peace and happiness. The marriage should have been over a long time ago but I kept holding on, hoping for change. I realize that things are not going to change and this is God's sign telling me that it is time to move on so I can be happy.
I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me and I have faith that God is leading me in the right direction.
xo Sparkles
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Closer Look
So after excitedly reading through half of the book "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson, I have decided to start back at the beginning and take each chapter at a time and write about what hits me.
After reading the Preface, Introduction, and Chapter 1, I could relate a lot to Marianne and the way I have felt. She wrote in the Preface - "I had often felt as though life was a private club and everybody had received the password except me. I felt other people knew a secret that I didn't know, but I didn't want to ask them about it because I didn't want them to know I didn't know." This really hit me hard because this is exactly the way I have felt and it is a great feeling to see what an amazing person that Marianne has become. She is a huge inspiration to me! Even though I have felt bad for a long time, I have hope and faith that things are starting to get better!
Basically for my whole life, I went through each day not understanding that I could control my circumstances. I thought I was a victim of life and for some reason I had bad luck following me everywhere I go. It wasn't until I watched the movie "The Secret" that I understood that my thoughts controlled my environment and if I had more positive thoughts then I would have more positive outcomes. Even though I knew this and purchased every self-help book and program I could find, I still did not know how to utilize this "simple" power. I would think positive and have goals and be able to attract something but then shortly afterwards feel sad and have negative thoughts again. I could really relate to what Marianne writes in Chapter 1:
I read books about how our minds create our experience, how the brain is like a bio-computer that manufactures whatever we feed into it with our thoughts. "Think success and you'll get it," "Expect to fail and you will." But no matter how much I worked at changing my thoughts, I kept going back to the painful ones. Temporary break-throughs would occur: I would work on having a more positive attitude, get myself together and get a new job. But I would eventually screw up at the job. Sure, I could change my thoughts, but not permanently. And there's only one despair worse than "I blew it," - and that's "I blew it again."
I have had similar experiences. I can easily attract a job, always hoping this one would make me happy, but somehow I would always screw it up. Even though I have my Master's Degree, I have had at least 15 jobs, all of which I really did not like and didn't stay at long. I have also moved at least 9 times and after the excitement of finding a place and moving my stuff in, I became sad again.
My favorite line in Chapter 1 is:
A power greater than I could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.
I have tried it my way and keep failing. So it is past time for me to turn my life completely over to God and pray for the strength and guidance to help me find happiness and peace in my life.
I will share my thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. :)
xo Sparkles
After reading the Preface, Introduction, and Chapter 1, I could relate a lot to Marianne and the way I have felt. She wrote in the Preface - "I had often felt as though life was a private club and everybody had received the password except me. I felt other people knew a secret that I didn't know, but I didn't want to ask them about it because I didn't want them to know I didn't know." This really hit me hard because this is exactly the way I have felt and it is a great feeling to see what an amazing person that Marianne has become. She is a huge inspiration to me! Even though I have felt bad for a long time, I have hope and faith that things are starting to get better!
Basically for my whole life, I went through each day not understanding that I could control my circumstances. I thought I was a victim of life and for some reason I had bad luck following me everywhere I go. It wasn't until I watched the movie "The Secret" that I understood that my thoughts controlled my environment and if I had more positive thoughts then I would have more positive outcomes. Even though I knew this and purchased every self-help book and program I could find, I still did not know how to utilize this "simple" power. I would think positive and have goals and be able to attract something but then shortly afterwards feel sad and have negative thoughts again. I could really relate to what Marianne writes in Chapter 1:
I read books about how our minds create our experience, how the brain is like a bio-computer that manufactures whatever we feed into it with our thoughts. "Think success and you'll get it," "Expect to fail and you will." But no matter how much I worked at changing my thoughts, I kept going back to the painful ones. Temporary break-throughs would occur: I would work on having a more positive attitude, get myself together and get a new job. But I would eventually screw up at the job. Sure, I could change my thoughts, but not permanently. And there's only one despair worse than "I blew it," - and that's "I blew it again."
I have had similar experiences. I can easily attract a job, always hoping this one would make me happy, but somehow I would always screw it up. Even though I have my Master's Degree, I have had at least 15 jobs, all of which I really did not like and didn't stay at long. I have also moved at least 9 times and after the excitement of finding a place and moving my stuff in, I became sad again.
My favorite line in Chapter 1 is:
A power greater than I could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.
I have tried it my way and keep failing. So it is past time for me to turn my life completely over to God and pray for the strength and guidance to help me find happiness and peace in my life.
I will share my thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. :)
xo Sparkles
Friday, February 25, 2011
A Return to Love
I have had the most amazing and wonderful feeling of peace fill my soul since yesterday's incident in the car. I have not felt like this in a long time, if ever. It is crazy how just a few simple thoughts can completely change you.
I lived in a state of denial for most of my life. Even though I knew I was not happy deep down inside, I kept myself distracted with school and working. I was brought up to act like you are happy even if you are not. A few years ago it hit me how sad I really was and I didn't understand why. I realize now it was because I had suppressed all the negative feelings over the years.
Over the past few years I have accumulated a lot of self-help books, cds, and programs but unfortunately never took the time to read or study them. Last night, I was really drawn to a book that I have had on my bookshelf for awhile. It is called "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.
This book is absolutely amazing! I could not put it down last night! It is filled with such amazing words even from page one. The following is a few of the amazing thoughts that really struck me - and this is just the "Introduction" to the book!
When we were born, we were programmed perfectly. We had a natural tendency to focus on love.
So what happened? We were taught to think unnaturally. We were taught to think thoughts like competition, struggle, sickness, finite resources, limitation, guilt, bad, death, scarcity, and loss. We were taught that things like grades, being good enough, money, and doing things the right way, are more important than love.
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.
We came here to co-create with God by extending love. Life spent with any other purpose in mind is meaningless, contrary to our nature, and ultimately painful.
Wow! It made me realize how I have been focusing on the wrong things for a long time now. I have always believed in God but I notice now how I have got caught up in the worldly things. No wonder I have been so unhappy!
Thank you Marianne Williamson! I have heard your name because of the Oprah show but I did not realize how incredible and life changing your material was! I am so glad I picked up your book last night and I can't wait to finish reading it!
I am ready to return to love!
xo Sparkles
I lived in a state of denial for most of my life. Even though I knew I was not happy deep down inside, I kept myself distracted with school and working. I was brought up to act like you are happy even if you are not. A few years ago it hit me how sad I really was and I didn't understand why. I realize now it was because I had suppressed all the negative feelings over the years.
Over the past few years I have accumulated a lot of self-help books, cds, and programs but unfortunately never took the time to read or study them. Last night, I was really drawn to a book that I have had on my bookshelf for awhile. It is called "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.
This book is absolutely amazing! I could not put it down last night! It is filled with such amazing words even from page one. The following is a few of the amazing thoughts that really struck me - and this is just the "Introduction" to the book!
When we were born, we were programmed perfectly. We had a natural tendency to focus on love.
So what happened? We were taught to think unnaturally. We were taught to think thoughts like competition, struggle, sickness, finite resources, limitation, guilt, bad, death, scarcity, and loss. We were taught that things like grades, being good enough, money, and doing things the right way, are more important than love.
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.
We came here to co-create with God by extending love. Life spent with any other purpose in mind is meaningless, contrary to our nature, and ultimately painful.
Wow! It made me realize how I have been focusing on the wrong things for a long time now. I have always believed in God but I notice now how I have got caught up in the worldly things. No wonder I have been so unhappy!
Thank you Marianne Williamson! I have heard your name because of the Oprah show but I did not realize how incredible and life changing your material was! I am so glad I picked up your book last night and I can't wait to finish reading it!
I am ready to return to love!
xo Sparkles
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Life Changing Day
It was an amazing day, especially compared to the horrible feelings of last night. I remember lying there lifeless, and the only thoughts I could think was that I couldn't do it anymore and I didn't want to be alive. I have had many nights like this in the past year.
It was pouring the rain this morning which seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I was on my way to drop my dog off at the groomers. The car window fogged up and I was aggravated because I could not see and didn't understand why it wouldn't clear up. Then it hit me - turn on the defroster, and of course immediately the window cleared up. That is when I had a strange thought occur - Life is the same way! How can I expect different results when I don't make the changes to make things different. I keep hoping every day that my life will change but what have I really done to make it different.
But how do you make the changes when you have no idea what to do to make it different? After that thought, I had another strange thought come to me. I noticed that I was cold so I changed the temperature in the car. How easy it is to make the adjustments you need in your car! If you want a different temperature, you change it. If you want a different radio station, you change it. If you want the seat to be different, you change it. There are all kinds of adjustments you can make to have your car fit you the way you want! So why is life so different? It isn't! You just have to figure out what you want and then make the changes!
These realizations seem so simple now! But I have basically been living my life feeling sorry for myself and instead of my life getting better over the years, it has gotten worse. Even though I have a MBA in Accounting, I have almost $100,000 in debt (including credit cards and student loans) and no steady income. While the debt has piled on, so has the weight. I am an emotional eater and love any junk food I can get whenever I am sad, mad, nervous, bored, etc.
After these realizations in the car, I had such an amazing feeling of peace come over me. I am still here so I have obviously not fulfilled my purpose. Even though I feel like I have wasted a lot of time feeling sad and not understanding why things are not getting better, I realize now that it is in my control to be able to make these changes for myself.
I do not expect anyone to read this blog, but I just needed a place to type out my feelings and thoughts. From today forward, I am going to do whatever it takes to make the changes in my life so I can be happy. I never want to feel like I did last night ever again.
xo Sparkles
(This was the name I was given by friends years ago because I was always able to help motivate and inspire them. I am not sure what happened to that positivity over the last few years but I am ready to get it back!)
It was pouring the rain this morning which seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I was on my way to drop my dog off at the groomers. The car window fogged up and I was aggravated because I could not see and didn't understand why it wouldn't clear up. Then it hit me - turn on the defroster, and of course immediately the window cleared up. That is when I had a strange thought occur - Life is the same way! How can I expect different results when I don't make the changes to make things different. I keep hoping every day that my life will change but what have I really done to make it different.
But how do you make the changes when you have no idea what to do to make it different? After that thought, I had another strange thought come to me. I noticed that I was cold so I changed the temperature in the car. How easy it is to make the adjustments you need in your car! If you want a different temperature, you change it. If you want a different radio station, you change it. If you want the seat to be different, you change it. There are all kinds of adjustments you can make to have your car fit you the way you want! So why is life so different? It isn't! You just have to figure out what you want and then make the changes!
These realizations seem so simple now! But I have basically been living my life feeling sorry for myself and instead of my life getting better over the years, it has gotten worse. Even though I have a MBA in Accounting, I have almost $100,000 in debt (including credit cards and student loans) and no steady income. While the debt has piled on, so has the weight. I am an emotional eater and love any junk food I can get whenever I am sad, mad, nervous, bored, etc.
After these realizations in the car, I had such an amazing feeling of peace come over me. I am still here so I have obviously not fulfilled my purpose. Even though I feel like I have wasted a lot of time feeling sad and not understanding why things are not getting better, I realize now that it is in my control to be able to make these changes for myself.
I do not expect anyone to read this blog, but I just needed a place to type out my feelings and thoughts. From today forward, I am going to do whatever it takes to make the changes in my life so I can be happy. I never want to feel like I did last night ever again.
xo Sparkles
(This was the name I was given by friends years ago because I was always able to help motivate and inspire them. I am not sure what happened to that positivity over the last few years but I am ready to get it back!)
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